I published my firsthand account of my undercover experience as an intern on HBCF, a community forum for Huntington Beach residents.
For what its worth, here is the reprise.
I still cant believe that at least one individual, who I wont name, that didn’t realize this piece was satire… *Edit* The stupid ass who thought this was real…and didn’t get it….was Cathy Bernard Haro, of Huntington Beach.
Behind the scenes at the OC Weekly…. Day 1
I went undercover as an intern at the OCWEEKLY. After completing my assigned tasks… sharpening the pencils, throwing out the trash and taking Gustavo’s booze bottles to the recycling place, I was able to listen in on a phone call between Gustavo and Duncan McIntosh, the publisher of the OC WEEKLY. Here’s the transcription from my iPhone recording…
-Ring Ring Ring-
“Hello Editors desk. This is Gustavo speaking…”
“Hello Gustavo It’s me Duncan.”
“Oh Hello Duncan… nice to hear from you again”….
“Gustavo, the circulation is down another 5000 copies this month…
And my papers are being thrown in the trash before the fucking binding thing that keeps them together is even removed. How the hell are we supposed to sell ads in this thing?”
“Look Duncan, I know the circulation is way down but we’ve got a great hit piece planned for those activistas de mierda in HB clowning on my good friend Victor Valladares and my girl Gina…#BOOM! That should drive some interest don’t you think?”
“Hey… you guys quiet down over there quit screwing around … El Jefe is on the phone…
Don’t you guys have something to do? Ames, didn’t you get the latest camera ready artwork from Peep World Porno Palace yet? “
“Sorry Duncan… as you were saying?”
“Look Gustavo, I bought this paper as a lark. I thought it would be fun. But it turns out it’s just an excuse for you to go to High Times Liquor and buy expensive booze on my tab, eat at strip malls and bash white people”.
“You mean those pinche racistas over in HB that don’t like brown people?”
“Look, Gustavo… Ive talked to a number of them… they are not racists, they just oppose illegal immigration”.
“Well many of the comments that you publish are blatantly racist Gustavo. And I have a feeling that that is why my circulation has dropped like a rock.”
“That’s impossible Duncan… everybody knows that Latinx can’t be racist… only the white European oppressors of people of color….”
“Look Gustavo, my circulation is down to almost nothing. The paper is only about 24 pages… we can’t sell adds to anybody but weed shops, outcall escorts, sex shops, and guys who buy and sell guns through private transactions. The bank account is drying up Gustavo. I’m going to have to cut you off. No more comping your strip mall meals at the latest Pinoy sensation or that awesome Taqueria you love. Did you see the bill you submitted for that fucking place you went to into Costa Mesa the other day? It was 230 dollars Gustavo. Who went with you?”
“Nobody boss… I was really hungry and it all looked so good I had to sample everything.”
“And what about this bill from High Times… who authorized you to buy a bottle of Armand de Brignac Midas”
“Duncan it was glorious… I still have half a bottle in my fridge… you can have it if you want….”
“Fuck you Gustavo… If you publish another stupid hit piece insulting people for having a different point of view, you will be out on your ass. Nobody bought your stupid book Gustavo… They get it for free in my paper. And while you’re at it, get rid of the Dan Savage column.
“I got an irate call from a soccer mom whose 9 year old picked up a copy at a donut shop and was reading his column about the Free Bestiality movement, buttplugs and a letter from a gay cuckold. This shit has got to stop Gustavo…”
“Im sorry sir… I will do as you ask….”
“Thank you… Goodbye.”
“Marsters, kill the story about HBCF, Daly and Epting…”
“But why Gustavo, you, Victor and Gina worked on that for a week…”
“I know… but if I lose my comped meals, I will have to brown bag it or eat those crappy frozen burritos for lunch…I’m not taking any chances…”
“Alright… enough screwing around everybody… Get back to work…Mabry did you sign that ad deal with Y- Not Porn Emporium?”
“Get on it people… we have serious work to do.”
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And to our international audience, Hola! Dia dhuit!